muses of the inner mind

BANZAI! It was a success!

2009-09-05T21:01:00.000+08:00

(photo courtesy of epunx99)

Last August 29, 2009, we held the Matsujun and 10th year Arashi anniversary at BSA suites, Makati. It was the first time that I was involved in organizing a pretty large scale party and I am very happy to say that it was really a success, even though there were some problems that occurred.(i.e. the choco fountain malfunctioning, not being able to decorate much the venue (damn management))

The preparations was tiring and stressing, but I now realized how fun it is to organize such events It is very gratifying to see the happy faces of the people that went and to hear the feedback coming from them after the party.

I hope that I will get another chance of organizing something as big as this.

For my fellow co-organizers: I know I have said this a countless of times, but Domo Arigatou Gozaimasu for letting us a part of this. This is one event that I will never forget.

And here comes the harder part

2009-08-13T18:47:00.000+08:00

Tapos na ang nclex exam ko kahapon... YAY~!

so ang mas nakaka-kabang part na ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon...

ang pag-iintay ng results.

Wish ko lang talaga na pumasa ako,

ayoko nang ulitin yung ilang buwang walang tulog na matino

at ang maka-migraine na pag-aaral para lang pag-handaan yung lintek na exam.

Sana mag-dilang anghel lahat ng bumati sa akin ng good luck,

sana pakinggan yung mga dasal naming mga nag-dasal na pumasa ako.

haiz...

Anxiety Level UP!

2009-08-11T16:57:00.000+08:00

so yeah, NCLEX exam ko na bukas and frankly speaking... KINAKABAHAN AKO.

hmm... hindi ko din alam kung bakit mas nakaka-kaba ang nclex kesa sa local boards, but kung iisipin mo, mas maraming items ang local boards kesa sa NCLEX.

haiz, kailangan ko ng something to make me calm down.

nakakaloka talaga.

buti na lang at nag-aya c joshua kanina na mag-gateway, nabawasan ng onti ang anxiety level ko.

maraming salamat tol!

so ayun.. bahala na si Lord sa akin bukas.

kung pumasa, thank you po.

kung hindi naman, better luck next time o d kaya enroll na sa panibagong course, wahaha!

ah basta, yan na yan.

Isang malaking good luck talaga sa akin bukas, wahahaha!

Emokid alert

2009-08-05T15:12:00.000+08:00

smile even when your sad

so no one can see the pain settling in behind your eyes

laugh out loud while you can

you'll never know how long it will last

be brave for the whole world

even when you're crumbling down inside

coz' by the end of the day

when you're all alone inside your room

you can let out all the worries and frustrations that you have.

Going away

2009-04-07T07:55:00.000+08:00

I'll be gone for a whole week.

I'm going to spend my holy week at the province together with mom and dad.

Too bad my panget of an onii-san would be left behind because of schoolwork.

It would've been fun to tackle the corners on Bicol's mountain passes.

Oh well.

So yeah, I'll be coming back next week.

People, don't wonder where I am and why I am not contacting anyone.

I have very poor phone reception there.

With that said...

Have a Blessed and Solemn Holy Week to everyone~!

wonder

2009-04-04T20:49:00.000+08:00

i miss somebody and its driving me nuts thinking about that person again and again.

i wonder where he is right now and what he is doing....

but that might be the only thing that i can do now...

wonder.

8 facts you don't know about ayan

2009-03-12T23:11:00.002+08:00

In the 8 facts about [your name here], you share 8 things that your readers don’t know about you.

Then at the end, you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going.

– Each blogger must post these rules first.
– Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
– Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
– At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.– Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

********.

I got tagged again! Doing this thing is actually fun, its just like answering a survey that can usually be seen posted at the fs bulletin board or the memes at DA (deviantart for those who doesn't know)

I had been tagged before by Ris also, (she's the one who tagged malyel) and the first list that I made could be found at my multiply site. Some of my answers here would be the same as the one that I listed there since there aren't that many facts that people don't know about me since I'm usually a very open person.

Oh well, here it goes!

1. I was always in dance intermission numbers when I was in elementary.

>>> I never mentioned this to my friends mainly because... I don't see the reason for telling them this and after I graduated elementary, I almost never dance, only when it was needed. (So imagine the surprise of my college friends/groupmates when we did a dance number and they saw me dance.)

2. I wanted to become an actress when I was a kid.

>>> Well, I guess every kid dreamed of being one once. Imagine all the fame and glamour that actors/actresses get and not to mention the money! But mine changed over the passing of time and then I realized that life in the limelight is not all that made to be.

3. I was a member of Batibot for a short-time.

>>> It was the kiddie show back then and somehow I became one. I guess it was because of my mom's friend whose husband was the producer of the show. I did a total of 3 tapings then my mom stopped bringing me to the tapings since she wanted me to focus on my studies rather than to be on national tv, which I think is the best thing since I found out that standing in front of all those spotlights is very hot and tiring!

4. I did ballet when I was in kindergarten.

>>> I had ballet lessons but I guess my mom was worried that I would end up breaking my bones so she stopped bringing me to the lessons. I was sad about it but it only lasted for awhile since I was only 5 at that time. You know, kids DO have a short-time span.

5. I was a student in an etiquette school and became a model for one day.

>>> Not many people knew about this and I doubt that my best friends still remember this. But yeah, I took them at Cora Doloroso when I was a junior in high school. It was a fun experience and that was the first time that I drank liquor! Imagine me walking along Glorietta tipsy because I was not used to alcholic beverages, hehehe....

6. I have conversations with myself.

>>> FYI, I am not Schizophrenic! But yes, I do have conversations with myself. It's like talking to my conscience or something like that. It relieves me of stress, especially when I find myself alone.

7. I sleep with my arms above my head.

>>> Don't ask why, I don't even know the reason! I just always find my arms above my head when I wake up in the morning, hahaha...

8. I have an alter-ego.

>>>Well, hahaha....! I do have one, but it doesn't usually appear. I don't know if anyone noticed though.

So there you have it! 8 facts that you PREVIOUSLY don't know about me.

Here are the people that I tag!

1. Abey

2. Ron

3. Ai

4. Yuri

5.Eloi-chan

6. Ate Anna

7. janzen

8.marda

problems.... problems...

2007-02-10T00:21:00.000+08:00

i never knew that i will get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. but you would if will hear it in the span of one week. geez... my best friend is currently having problems in her love life and she has been bombarding me with the same thing again and again and again within this week. it's not that i don't want to help her out, it's just that, it gets tiring already. we have been discussing the same thing for more than one week already! and the other problem is that it she can't make up her mind. she keeps jumping from one problem to another and then back again. i had given her advices on her problems but it seems that she's not listening at all. i know that it's up to them whether to take up our advices but to ask an advice on the same thing for consecutive days is kind of tiring. not to mention that i, too have a share of my own problems. thank goodness that, kitin, my bestest friend (if there is such a term as that) was online tonight and i got to tell her mine. at least, i had gotten that off my chest and i feel somewhat better (if only by a little bit). i don't know when she will realize that all she is doing is going on in circles and that if she doesn't make up her mind soon, she will be the one in the losing end. meaning that she may lose both.
anyway, about me. i don't know when i will recover from my sadness but i know it will take a very long time once again before i become the cheerful old me. it'll take a miracle to reverse the things that had happened but really, right now, i don't care. i don't want to care. i don't want to think. and i don't want to feel. i want to be just numb and cold for the time being until i recover from this pit of darkness that i somehow tumbled in. i know that there is still that, but i don't think i can face him right now with my emotions raging at each other. the next time we meet, i want to be completely in control of myself and i want to be positively sure of what i am feeling. coz' if we meet right now, i might let out things that can lead to an irreversible damage like what happened with the last one. that is the one thing that i am afraid to happen and i'll be devastated if something like it occurs once again. so for the time being, im gonna wrap myself up in my own little world of dim lights and cold, stale air in order to sort things out.

pampanga outing

2006-10-21T12:25:00.000+08:00

ahaha... pucha, ang saya nung outing namin. anak ng tinowa, ang daming rebelasyon na nangyari at kung ano-ano pa. nagka2sugat2 din ang mga kamay namin dahil sa katu2sok ng hook nung pang-kawil. grabe, sa buong hapon na pangingisda namin, ka2unti lang ang mga isda na nahu2li namin and take note, ang mali2it pa cla, hahaha... XD swertehan kapag naka-huli kame ng malaki na isda at ako ang isa sa mga swerte na yun kc usually ang nahuhuli kong isda malalaki except pag ang hawak kong pang-kawil ay ung pang-kawil ng goldfish. (nde ko alam na pang-goldfish yun!!! kaya naman pala puro mali2it na isda ang naku2ha ko pag yun ang gamit ko eh!) ngaun ko lang napagtanto na masaya pala mangisda ang relaxing xa ha in fairness. except sa pangis2da, wala kami dun ginawa kundi kumain ng kumain. feeling ko nga tumaba ako after namin umalis dun sa pampanga eh and nangitim daw ako sabi nung maid nmin nung nkita nya ako uli. grabe, nabale-wala ung diet at pinayat ko sa mga duty namin kaya nga mag-gy2m ako uli ngaun eh, hahaha... pra naman ma-burn ung mga taba ko sa katawan, hahaha... Asa na lang ako na pumayat pa ako. at eto ang pinkamasayang part, nag-iinuman kami sa gabi. grabe, first time kong uminom ng 2 straight nights. buti na lang at nde ganon karami ung ininom namin kc kung nagkataon, shenglot ang labas ko. pro in fairness, ang daming lumabas nung time na yun ha! ang pinkamalaki ung kay joshua at mariel pero actually, mejo alam ko na yun eh. obvious na obvious naman eh, ayoko lang magtanong sa kanila kc ayoko silang i-pressure. pero geez, sabi nga ni joshua e nde naman kami tanga nila tim para nde makahalata. ang sumunod na malaking rebelasyon ay yung kay emman. pucha, seryoso pala tlaga c gago sa pangli2gaw kay tim. hahaha... XD nung una akala ko joke2 lang yun, totoo pala. ang sweet nga ni gago eh, sbi nya willing to wait daw xa para kay tim. sabi ko sa kanya, bilib na ako sa kanya kung maba2go nya isip ni tim. kc nman, itong c tim ay napaka-conservative, feeling ko parang bumabangga c eman sa brick wall eh. we'll just see wat happens. and of course, naulit na naman yung kwento about kay ravin and debbie pra daw dun sa mga nde nakarinig nung story. pucha, naka2takot lasingin c kuya! and well... nalaman nila ung about kay romar and kay uly and about dun sa nangyari sa amin ni romar. naglaro din kami ng truth or dare, pucha lahat nung mga lalake tumalon dun sa palaisdaan nung gabi! may picture pa nga ako nung dalawa eh, tpos pnag-belly dancing ako nung mga gago eh nde naman ako marunong nun! kaya ang lumabas tuloy, mukha akong nag-pearly shell, haha! nag-kiss c joshua at mariel sa harapan namin na ikinagulat ni tim, nag-otso2 c jane, pinag-sayaw namin c tim at eman, pinaka-kiss namin kay eman ung kamay ni tim and vice-versa and pinka-kiss nila ako sa cheek ni kuya! wah~! XD grabe, pag-naaalala ko yun, nahihiya tuloy ako. hehehe...XD basta ang saya2 nung outing namin na yun. sana nga wala nang resectioning eh para cla pa din ang mga grpmates ko hanggang next sem. XD

anong araw ngaun?

2006-09-17T16:14:00.000+08:00

ah. dahil sa kaibigan ni tim na ng-po2st din dito na tagalog ang gamit, ako din tagalog na ang gagamitin. kung iisipin mo, bkit nga naman ako ngpa2kahirap mag-english kung puede nman gamitin ang ating sariling wika. ngayon ko lang napag-tanto na pinahihirapan ko lang ang sarili ko, wahahaha.... ok lang, self-proclaimed baliw naman ako e.

hmmm... anong araw uli ngaun?? linggo ba? ay oo, linggo nga. haay... isang linggo na naman ang nag-daan, ang dami ding nangyari. kinakabahan ako bukas, may katarantaduhan ksi akong gnawa, sana nde mapansin nung prof namin sa biochem na pinaltan ko ung mga sagot ko, pucha, patay2 ako pag nangyari yun. pero tng-ina tlaga, sana nde mapansin. klngan ko pataasin ang mga grde ko... nde ko alam kung may assgn kme pra bukas, oh well... tnatamad naman akong gumawa e kaya ok lang din. aba xiempre balik sa dating gawi... ang mangopya ng assign.

ampness... sana matapos na ang sem na toh, gusto ko na ng bakasyon. malas lang nila uly mukhang wala silang bakasyon, sira ulo kasi xa, nde nag-completion nung summer, yan tuloy ngayon ang completion nya. wish ko lang magkita kme kahit once ngaung sembreak. ah p*ta, malabo atang mangyari yun. ah bahala na.

cge, batsi na ako, sa susunod na lang uli. mgha2nap muna ako ng pagkain sa ref, ciao.

adventure ito

2006-09-17T07:33:00.000+08:00

ang saya kagabi sobra. bukod sa pumunta kami sa laruku convention ni sare, nakapanalo pa kami ng isang battle ni kuya sa may krus na ligas. astig talaga ang araw ko kahapon. cge, cmulan natin sa umpisa. umalis cla mama kaya kami lang 2 ni panget d2 sa bahay, linis2 at luto naman ako then after that, natulog. nung nag-txt na c sare, pmunta na ako sa katips then punta muna kmi sa haus nila kc nag-palit ng dmit c loka. ampness! ang pusa ko dati... garfield na xa ngaun! ang taba2 nya and take note kmukha nya ang nanay nya, matabang version nga lang, wahahaha.... naka2loko xang tingnan at nilalaro ako, gusto akong kalmutin, walang hiyang pusa. XD nway, pmunta na kmi ng convention, hanef! naglipana ang mga taong mukhang hapon at bihis hapon. astig nga eh. nabuhay tuloy ulit ang dugo kong natutulog, ahahaha... balik pagka-baliw na naman ito! tapos ang galing pa nung isang banda na tumugtog kagabi. sabi ko nga kay sare e, "pucha tol! mahal ko na ung drummer!!!" tng-ina ang galing nya tlga mag-drums! naka2-in love. c sare naman dun sa gitarista nila, ang galing din! but in fairness, nki2ta nmin ung gitarista nila sa tz sa g8way. pro nka2-in love tlaga cla! wahoo!!! so after nun, tambay2 muna kmi then by 9 ng-cmula na kami sa aming trek towards home. bkit trek? ng-lakad lang nmn kmi sa loob ng UP ng dis-oras ng gabi. grabe, napaka-creepy nya! pro astig kc adventure din ito, masaya xa khit 3 lng kmi na ngla2kad dun sa buong st. (may ksabay kmi na galing dn convention). hanef tlaga ang gabi ko~ isa na namang memorable night ang nadagdag sa buhay ko. yapoo!!!

tests, tests and more tests

2006-08-21T00:02:00.000+08:00

You Are 50% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

hehehe... i can attest to this one except for keeping my weirdness in coz' i let everyone know that i am weird.

You Are 70% Extrovert, 30% Introvert

You are quite outgoing
You are a social connector - you know a ton of people
While you aren't a wild extrovert, you are a great talker
A fantastic storyteller, you keep everyone laughing

Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?

i don't know exactly about this one. i know that i am more of a listener than a talker.

Your IQ Is 110

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average

Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

ahahahay.... now this is one that i really don't belive~!!! my math intelligence is above average?! are you freaking kidding me?? all of my math subjects has almost failing grades!

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.

Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.

You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!

People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

ahihhi.... this one i find cute and interesting. i wonder if that is really true...

You Are a Henna Gaijin!

You're not Japanese, but you wish you were!
You can use chopsticks with your eyes closed, and you've memorized hundreds of Kanji.
You even answer your phone "moshi moshi."
While the number of anime videos you've seen is way higher than the number of dates you've been on, there's hope.
Play the sexy, mysterous gaijin, and you'll have plenty of Japanese meat.

What's Your Japanese Subculture?

now, this one is somewhat true! hehehe....

its freaking long

2006-08-11T21:09:00.000+08:00

i was browsing through my other blog, the one where all the posts are about ezri and i realized that almost all of them are really long! i guess i can talk a lot whenever it's about him. i was like 0.o when i saw the posts. i didn't think that i can write that long, especially that it's all about him. anyway, enough about that. we were asked to pass an essay today for the IN office (in which i have no idea what for) and i was so lazy to write last night that i just copied one of my blog posts a while back in my friendster account. well, you can't call it plagiarism since i was the one who wrote that, the only thing is it was written before and i had to add some words to make it 500. hehehe... i know it was kind of cheating but i can't really think of anything good to write without me mentioning him in it. i asked him to give me a topic to write about, he told me to write something about anime but i already did that back in high school. i was thinking about passing the one about death but then i thought that if i pass that, the whole office might think that i am out to kill people. i can't have them think that, heh. so, i ended up passing the one about love and it's definitions that i had come up. it was pretty corny but nothing else came to my mind that is worth passing to. hehehe... but im still wondering what the hell are they gonna do with those essays of ours???

stupid server

2006-08-10T19:42:00.000+08:00

ha, it's either there is something wrong with mozilla or my isp server coz' it's taking too damn long to load up just one page. oh well, there's really nothing that i can do but to wait for it to finish loading. anyway, i just arrived home. my friends and i went to mall of asia(moa for short) today to just well, roam around. yeah, i know i should've just gone home and slept coz' i didn't get enough sleep from last night but iya was really persistent into going that we just went along with her. i was hoping that i would get to see uly again but he has a seminar to go to tomorrow so he needs his money. err... yeh, hehehe... so basically, im here to just past up the time waiting for the damn page to load but since it's already finished, i'll stop writing, hahaha.. damn, im going crazy again.

ang aking kahibangan

2006-08-08T22:07:00.000+08:00

haha.. masaya ngayon. bakit kamo? kc nde kme gnon ka-toxic sa hospital knina. ang saya-saya tlga and maaga pa kming pnauwi, yay! o dba, masaya yun? kaya heto ako ngaun, sa hrapan muli ng computer at nag-ty2pe ng walang kabuluhang pangyayari sa aking buhay. nde nga, sa totoo lang, ano nga bang interesanteng bagay ang nangyari sa akin knina? maliban cguro sa pag-palit ng IV ng pasyente at sa pg-regulate nito eh yun lang naman ang ginawa ko. ah, puede na natin cguro isali d2 yung charting ko knina kc onti lang ang mali. ayan, may sense ba ang sinsabi ko? pakiramdam ko wala. ok lang nman yun. total nman, walang nagbabasa ng blog ko. cno nga naman ang may matinong pag-iisip ang gu2stuhing basahin toh? eh napakahaba at wala pang katu2ran ang pinagsa2bi ko dito, hehehe... ok, anyway... may alaga kming pusa sa OB ward ng QCGH. ang sarap haplusin nung pusa kc ang bait2 nya! xa pmupunta sa amin at humihiga xa sa tabi nmin habang kmi ay gmagawa ng aming mga soapie at charting. aba, ang mga loko kong kaklase ay gusto pa xang i-leopold's maneuver. ang kabaliwan nga nman ng aming grupo... kung ano ano na lang ang pumapasok sa isip at knina din pala, may umiikot na store sa loob ng hospital. naka2tuwa sila, nung bago kme mag-cmula ng duty andun cla sa OPD, after 1 1/2 hour andun na cla sa nurse's station ng OB ward at after 3o minutes andun na cla sa tapat ng pintuan nmin. o dba, nka2aliw cla? cla'y gumugulong-gulong sa loob ng hospital. hahaha... ang corny ng cnabi ko, hehehe... cge na nga, hanggang dito na lang bago pa kayo mabaliw sa mga pinag-susulat ko, bwahahaha....

procastinator

2006-08-02T21:39:00.000+08:00

i know i was procastinating a lot yesterday in my post in my friendster blog. maybe it's due to me being sick and all, but half of them are true. there are a lot of things that doesn't go my way but there are a lot of them that actually do. so, i guess it's all balanced in a way. you get the bad and the good, just like yin and yang. you can't have all the good things and not have the bad things, that's just not how our life goes even if we wish fervently to be it so. having all the good things seemingly means that you are a perfect person and as the saying goes, "no one is perfect". the only perfect beings are God and Jesus Christ, there are no more else in the world. so, i'm regretting what i posted yesterday coz' i know that i was lying through my teeth while i was typing that but i was just freaking tired and really sick to really know what i was doing yesterday.

ditching class

2006-07-18T21:59:00.000+08:00

yeah... i did push through with what i planned last night. i did go watch pirates of the carribean with my bro this morning and ditched my online class. of course, no one needs to find about that. my classmates thought that i had another bad case of migraine and my brother thought that the only class that i have was in the afternoon. heh, my bad. don't ask why i'm being like this... it's much worse than back then, but hell. i'm having fun and it actually makes me forget some of the things that are bothering me for awhile. but anyway, about the movie.... ARGH~! that was a major cliffhanger~!!! stupid jack got eaten by that cragen thingy and it's actually elizabeth's fault! oh the twists and turns! now, it's going to make me wait anxiously again like wat kingdom hearts II did to me! now im waiting for the next chapter of those said titles. why must every writer/director/producer think that a cliffhanger is a nice thing?! the movie literally left us hanging! but oh well, at least i got to see jack sparrow. although the first movie was funnier than this one, it's still great. this one's a tad bit more serious and davy jones' crew actually made me want to gag coz' of how they look. and how the hell did barbossa survive anyway?! that's one major question that i want answered in the next movie. i wonder how long will it take them to make the third movie??? *sigh* it's gonna be a long wait again....
so anyway, after watching the movie, i high-tailed it to school. meaning that i was running like hell. geez, i must've looked crazy running in ortigas ave., v. mapa n recto section and inside school. good thing that i arrived before the unit exam began and the professor was kind enough to let me take the quiz that they had before the exam. all in all, i really got lucky about that one. hehehe.... i know i'm pushing my limits... i must need to find my light when it comes to my studies... i'm actually falling apart...

kingdom hearts II totally owns~!

2006-07-18T00:11:00.001+08:00

warning: if you like KH and you're planning to get KHII then i recommend that you don't read this post coz' it will have major spoilers for teh whole game.

yea, khII is out... finally! i was waiting for it for a very long time that when i saw it in greenhills, i automatically grabbed it. i was so excited about the story that i finished the whole game in just 5 days! talk about going into "addict mode", hehehe.... the only thing that i did during those 5 days were play, sleep for 4 hours, play, eat, play, go to the bathroom, play. that was my routine for those 5 days. i had to drag myself to go to my online exam last tuesday because i didn't want to be disturbed while i was playing and i purposely didn't go to school last wednesday because i was playing. yeah, i was that addicted~! panget told me that i played the express way coz' i skipped so many things, i even passed one world! i had to backtrack a bit for that one world, but all in all, it was well worth it. at first, the game had me confused because you get to control roxas and he was having dreams of what happened to sora in the past, it turns out sora lost his memories and half of those memories were with roxas. roxas met the sleeping sora and then all of sora's memories were returned. anyway, all of the characters really matured and i think that the story line was better than the last one. but now that i think of it, it seems that square already planned for a sequel when they first launched KH coz' of all the things that connect with the events that happen in KHII or maybe it's coz' how sequels should be. anyway, they have a new cool battle system. i so LOVE the drive forms, it really had saved my butt a whole lot of times! the only thing that i don't like was when sora transforms into his anti form, which was really annoying since you can't use magic, you can't use items and you can't revert back to the original form. you have to wait the gauge out and if you have a drive gauge of up to 5, that is a pretty long wait. anyway, the boss' fights were a lot harder than in teh previous one! i had hell fighting xigbar, luxord especially xaldin. that son of a bitch! he killed me for about 13 times i think and he made my head hurt a lot! but actually, the final battle was easier than those three i mentioned, all you have to do is follow the reaction commands and block out xemnas attacks. the cg's were great, especially the ending! it looks like there will be a khIII, i hope that it does but rumors say that they will release it on ps3. oh poor me~! now, i have to like, save up if i want to buy one! and i still haven't bought an x-box 360. geez, the things that i like. i'm so into computer stuff that i sometimes wonder why the hell am i in a nursing course... oh well.... all i know right now is that KINGDOM HEARTS II TOTALLY OWNS!!!

dreaming of a special person

2006-07-13T23:54:00.000+08:00

i had a dream last night. it started out as a pretty normal one but towards the end, it changed. i found myself in a room that was white and it the middle of it sat three old ladies. i walked slowly, looking at their faces one at a time, when i finally looked at the one in the middle, i recognized that it was my grandmother, my late grandmother. when i saw her, i hugged her and started crying, calling out her name and then i felt that as if the things around me were starting to slip away then i found myself waking up, tears in my eyes and still calling out for my grandma. it tooke me a few hours to realize that today was her forty-days since the day of her death and when i remembered that, i can't help but cry silently. this was the first time, ever since her death that i had a vision of her or any sort of presence from her. i sure miss her a lot, since she must be one of the kindest person that i had met in my entire life. maybe it's a sign... a sign of what, i do not know. maybe a sign telling me that she's at peace or she's happy? i sure hope that that is the case but whatever it is, i am still glad that i was finally able to see her again, even though if it was just for a brief moment. that dream... it was kind of surreal to me. it was as if i was in an alternate universe of some kine. surely, people don't just have dreams of their dead relatives, right? especially if they really mean a lot to you except maybe to express something of importance, right? was it to rid me of my guilt? i know that i feel guilty for what i did during the her last moments here on earth... i know that i somewhat put her in pain during the time that we were changing her beddings and clothing, and that i wasn't always at her side during her last days here. maybe if i spent more time with her than outside.... i don't know. but it will take time before i rid myself of that guilt or maybe it will not just go away, like the guilt i have for having done that "thing" when i was still in high school. i guess i just have added another thing to my list of "things to brood about." but, i know that wherever my grandmother is, she's happy because she's with our creator and she's with the people that she love and i am very thankful for having her as my grandmother.

i can see flames

2006-07-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

oohh... how i wish to see flames engulfing the Institue of Nursing then i would be satisfied.... the damn office still had not given us our hospital duty which is really annoying the hell out of me for we are the ones who are going to sauufer for their stupid mistakes or whatever. just when i thought that we were about to have our duty this week, they suddenly tell us that the hospital pulled out for whatever reason that it has.... aggh,,, my school is really pathetic, now because of what they did, we're stuck with nothing to do this weekend while our classmates are doing their hospital duties.... did i mention that my school is pathetic? now, i really want to do what i said back in the forums and really burn down FEU... stupid school with their stupid system and their stupid office... now, it's clearly obvious that the school only wants money from their students... they didn't even give us a decent capping ceremony... argh~ ! i hate it, i hate them~! >.<

A day of firsts

2006-05-23T13:30:00.000+08:00

today must be one of those interesting days that i had. first off, i already got my grade and guess what?! i passed and kept my promise!!! i don't have a grade lower than 2.25... yipee!!! those sleepless nights are really worth it, hehehe,,,, XD unfortunately, not so many made it in our class. it's sad that so many of them will have to leave FEU just because of that, that is so unfair and what's even more sad is that iya is among them. she's one of my close friends this summer and she's a part of the flagellum friends. now we'll not be complete because she's going to transfer to another school. how sad..... = ( nweiz, on to other things. we went to the mall this afternoon to watch the da vinci code but first i will tell the incident in the train. tim and i were talking about one of her accidents in a bus ride wherein she fell when the bus suddenly braked. when she stood up after that, a guy offered her a seat but her stop is the next one so she refused. i made a nasty comment after that. i said, "hi2ntayin pang may ma-aksidente bago magpa-upo, ang bastos." right after i said that, the guy sitting next to me suddenly stood up and went away. at first i thought that he saw someone he knew but when he went to the far side of the train that's the time that i realized that he was hit by my remark! i was so ashamed! i didn't mean that remark for him, it just so happened that that was what tim and i were talking about. i refused to look at the guy after that even though tim and iya was blatantly looking at him. i really didn't mean that!!! nway, the second interesting event was when we were in the cinema watching the da vinci code, there were two girls sitting at our back who were talking loudly to each other about the film. they kept going at it even though we were already making loud comments but it seems that they don't get the point. it was irritating and it really got on my nerves that i turned to them and said "excuse me" just to shut them up! thank goodness that they remained quiet after that or i wouldn't know what to to do. then the third one was when a handkerchief suddenly landed in between me and tim. we were so startled that we were speechless and burst out snickering. the handkerchief actually belong to one of the girls that were talking out loud. my face was like, "what the hell?! 0.o" then after watching the movie, we spent the whole time left playing at tz in g4 that when we left, the mall was already closed. i was like, OMG!!! i couldn't believe it! it was my first time to be in g4 during their closing time. i became a little frantic coz' i don't know which exit to use and the other passage ways are blocked, not to mention that it was quite dark. thank goodness that there were guards roaming the area. so we asked directions from them on how to exit the mall. all in all, this day is quite interesting and this will become one of the memorable days that i had with my friends. hehehe... XD peace out men!

things that happened

2006-05-01T12:30:00.000+08:00

ah... it's been a long time since i last posted in here. anyway, a lot of things happened in the past month. one, i've started to go back to school. two, i've made new friends. three, i've gone to two car shows in the span of a month and four, i'm living my life in the fast lane. a lot of changes has happened to me and i can't say whether they are good or bad or whatever. i'm still not used to the fact that i'm a year late than my original batch... i have a feeling that this is something that i will be bitter about for a very long time. not that i don't get along with my classmates, in fact i'm doing fine for someone who didn't study for a whole year. i'm still adjusting to my new environment i guess. my other two friends who are also like me are handling far better than me... maybe it's because that they are the ones who decided to stop for a year... my case is different. i have no choice but to stop, it's forced upon me not something that i did on my own. if i can only turn back the time and alter the chain of events leading into this situation then i will be with my original batch, with all of my friends. i feel so uneasy walking in campus and only seeing a few familiar faces unlike before. it's so... surreal to me. tim keeps on telling me that i should let go of the fact that we're supposed to be senior students now but it's not that easy for me because all the things that i know are there, all the things that i am familiar with. that's why everytime that i see a friend of mine in level IV, i always go over them and hang-out with them. this will take me a long time to get used to but i guess i'm a good actress coz' no body seems to notice that i'm bitter about my situation. maybe my friends can see it but my classmates can't, they even thought that i'm the same age as they are. anyway, i am glad that i found friends in my class coz' they are the only ones that i know in the entire batch, except for michelle of course. they're nice to hang-out with and they're also wacky to boot. imagine taking pictures at mcdonald's with a phone camera! hehehe.... XD that's why i like being with them. i guess that's it for the time being coz' it's already late and i can feel my mom is going to call me any minute now. ja na!

anxious for school

2006-04-10T05:29:00.000+08:00

wah~! it's damn freaking hot!!! i can actually feel the heat rolling around in my body. i almost had a heat stroke a while ago while i was waiting for a bus in front of megamall, the heat was so intense, to the point that i was beginning to suffocate because of it. argh... this is the effect of global warming. >.<>

insomniac... again

2006-03-27T08:07:00.000+08:00

it's official... i am an insoniac. i woke up at 3:30 am to go to the restroom and had been awake ever since. no matter what i try to do, i couldn't find sleep or rather, it's elusive to me. everytime that i'm about to finally doze off, something would happen like my muscles aching so i need to turn the other way, my back itching or nature calling. after an hour and a half of fruitless tossing and turning, i gave up my hopes of falling back to sleep and ended up in here. so, in between those times that i was trying to fall back to sleep, endless scenarios were running inside my head, mostly with "him" in it. and i also realized that i really shouldn't force myself to sleep when i'm not sleepy yet coz' i always end up waking up way too early. i should've just write down some drabbles last night or surfed the internet. but anyways, what's done is done and i'm already here. i hope that i can get some sleep later in the day although that is a bit doubtful since sare and i have some plans for today. i just don't know if we're going to push through with it. if not, then i'm going to grab the chance to get some of my well-deserved z's. alright, there's nothing much to write anymore. i'm going, ja!

blank...

2006-03-24T13:59:00.000+08:00

you know what? everytime that i'm trying to write in here my mind draws up a blank. why? i have no freaking idea. well, anyway here i am in the house with my grandma and the maids again. mom went to bicol this morning so that means i'm gonna be stuck in here for quite awhile. damn! agh... my mind's really not working. i want to write but everytime i try to think of something, my head hurts and then my mind puts a blank. i don't know whether this a side-effect of the drug that i'm taking right now. don't get me wrong, it's not narcotic drugs but it's a pill that can make you lose weight. it's the same one that abey and ate maan drank. i can testify that it does work but ever since i started drinking it, i always feel light headed and my stomach feels funny. i know i should stop taking it but the thought of losing weight faster is really appealing to me that i can't stop. but i didn't take one today, i decided that i should take every other day to lessen the side effects. although, it says in the instructions to take it twice, i only take it once, hehehe.... i'm not that stupid to actually follow it step by step. anyway, i'm currently looking for a gym but unfortunately, i still haven't find one. maybe later in the day, i'll go out and look again after paying the bills and calling lolo ranier. tensai is supposed to come here today, i don't know if she's actually gonna go. i'm gonna call her to later. ok, i'll stop. i'm getting sleepy (finally!) so i'm grab it while it's here. ja.

my life is blah

2006-03-02T05:21:00.000+08:00

Ha... another day. I woke up to the ringing of the phone, wishing that it would stop and go away. Well, who wouldn't want that at 4am? But tough luck for me, it didn't stop which resulted in me being awake at an awfully early time. I would like to go back to sleep but the sandman didn't grant me that wish. So, I laid down there in the bed with my grandma, turning and tossing restlessly, trying with all effort to fall back to sleep. But then, my uncle arrived and I heard him and my brother talking, what with their loud voices. Falling back to sleep was not an option then, the only thing that i can do was to get up and help them with the packing of things. Which by the way, includes a closet, two electric fans, plastics and a piece of large metal. You wouldn't think that my mom wants them to bring the whole house to bicol. but in any case, that's not new, mom is always like that. so there, i hanged around until they left and grabbed the opportunity to sleep again when it presented itself. i got myself two more hours of sleep. but even with that, i still felt horrible when i woke up. i felt like the whole wide world was upon me, wanting to see me tortured for something that i, myself doesn't know. of course, that just might be my imagination working again but the fact still remained that i don't feel good. with a heavy heart and heavy body, i dragged myself to take a shower and get ready for my driving lessons. now, that might be the first thing that lightened my day a bit. driving around is a sure way to get rid of the thoughts that were running in my head. so, i head to my lessons and found out that i have a new instructor. unlike the last, this one was tad quiet but we get along nonetheless. another thing that brightened my day was the fact that i didn't stall the car today. now, that's an improvement. at least i didn't get stuck in the middle of an intersection again. but that happiness was short lived since i only have an hour of driving lessons. after that, i was back to my mood. then tensai texted me that she couldn't meet up with me coz' she woke up late and sare was not available since she has hospital duty. heh, goodness gracious. i was alone again. good thing that timezone arena was already open so i just spent the time playing drummania even though i'm really not in the mood for it. do i have any other choice? i didn't want to go home just yet so i decided to go to the church afterwards. now, i think the driving lesson and me going to church were the only things that i did that has value. the rest were just blah. yeah, that's right. i feel like my life is a blah right now. to the people outside, i may seem like i'm angry at the world. maybe i am or it's just because of one person but whatever the reason is, i still feel horrible right now...

Current mood: blah
Current music: Lost heaven

Goodbye HD!

2006-02-24T15:11:00.000+08:00

Well, what do you know? I managed to finish another one-shot story yesterday and it's a dramatic one to boot. I don't know how dramatic but still, some elements are there. And because I wanted to finish the story yesterday, I ended up sleeping at 4 am. I don't know if it's because that I don't want to lose the ideas that were running in my head or it's because of my insomnia. Whatever it is, it made me finish the story which is fine by me in all ways. But because I stayed up so late, I only had little sleep. (3 hours to be exact) I needed to wake up early coz' I had to get Panget's hand-outs from Brains before the class starts which is at 8 am. >,< His arthritis attacked again that's why he can't go to his class and had me go instead. That's also the reason why were going to the hospital today after I pay the bills so we can get his foot fixed up. Apparently, he ate the cookies with the nuts in it, and he knows that he's not allowed to eat nuts because of his gout. Anyway, I managed to get stuck inside the house again yesterday. I slept most of the day to compromise with my lack of sleep this morning. I logged on for some time and found out that HD is down already. Wah~ one of my internet homes is gone! Z98 is currently making a new one for us but it'll take a month or so before it's finished. But than'x Z98, we owe you one! All of us in HD were sad because that's where most of our internet friends are from. That's the place where we met each other; Lazy (my twin because we have the same exact birthdays), Aya-chan (my imouto who is Lazy's ex-gf), Ximena-chan, Sooyoung-kun and the others. But at least we have a temporary home where we can meet. That will do for the time being.

Finally out

2006-02-19T07:25:00.000+08:00

I wrote this one while I was out last Saturday. Here it goes:

Well, I'm here at Go Nuts, Cubao, finally enjoying the air from the outside world. Teehee! And I'm currently watching Sare struggle to find her lighter. Yeah, I'm happy that I as finally able to go out of the house but unfortunately, nothing much happened. We went to the school fair of SJC but not many of our batch mates were there. The only ones that we saw were Aiza, Federish, Hazel, Joy, Christian and Matet. We also saw Marvin and Aileen. The two of them are our underclassmen but they're our friends back in high school. We hanged-out for awhile but left as soon Marvin and Sare finished smoking coz' Sare had an exam at one p.m. So, I went to FEU for the mean time, intending to fix up my LOA but ended up chatting with Mel coz' no one was in the IN office. I was also hoping that I would somehow see Uly but he wasn't at school. Then I went here after Sare had called saying that her exam was already finished. So yeah, nothing much happened. The only thing that I managed to do was tire myself out. Heh. >,<

another insomnia attack

2006-02-18T11:50:00.000+08:00

i am still awake and i have no idea what time it is already. i am having one of my insomnia attacks again and i have no idea why. this usually happens when i am depressed or if something is bothering me. well, i am not depressed and the only thing that is bothering me is how to get the heck out of the house. i was stuck in the house for two days straight and it looks like a third is going to be in place. dad already left for US last sunday and mom and kuya went to bicol last wednesday morning. the only ones left are ruby(our maid), lola, ate maan and i. the problem lies with my lola, i can't leave her alone with ruby as her only companion. she doesn't know how to do VS and first aid. of course, it's not as if something bad will happen but just to be on the safe side, someone has to look over her. and unfortunately, that is me. don't get me wrong, i love her just as much as i love my parents and brother, it's just that i really don't like getting stuck inside the house for days on end. it's going to drive me insane! (which is happening already.) ate maan goes to school and doesn't arrive home till' afternoon. even then, i can't go out coz' i have no one to accompany me. all of my friends have classes or duties. i asked uly last wednesday if he can go with me but unfortunately, he has to review his lessons for his midterms. sars did come over last wednesday night but i was still inside the house. i actually don't know when did i get this fidgety when stuck inside the house. i wasn't like this before. i mean, i can be stuck here for days on end and not give a single care in the world. maybe it's because of the fact that i am not going to school so i don't get to see the ray of light outside if i don't think of something to do outside. my head aches because of staring too much at the tv or computer screen and for not inhaling air from the outside. i was hoping that one of my friends will be available this coming saturday coz' there's an event happening in ust and i want to go. i am hoping that uly's free but he told me that he might be doing a case pres with his groupmates. sars will be going to eurostar with her friends. kharla has classes, i don't know about tensai. i just hope that one of them is free because i am desperate here! i need to go out! it's driving me crazy already! (actually, i am really hoping that uly is free XD)
but i know, me getting stuck in the house has nothing to do with me staying up until the wee hours of the morning. i don't know, i have the feeling that i am making myself be depressed on purpose. why? well, there's an absurd idead that crept in my head that said that when i am depressed i lose weight. and i lost weight last week because of anxiety and depression but that was justifiable because i thought that something is wrong between 'that someone special' and i. but now, there's nothing wrong. i did get a miracle, i am happy at the events that happened even though i got lectured for something that i did. (and i admit that it was wrong) i know he's not pissed at me and i don't have any problems with my friends. so why the hell did i get that notion? and me staying up late on purpose, even when my body is already telling me to stop and go to sleep is a sure sign that something is not right. what it is? i have no idea. maybe i am having a bullimia attack again? but i am not vomitting the food that i eat. it can't be anorexia because i am still eating although i feel like not eating before a meal. but once i sit down at the table, i still eat so that's not it. so what is it then? whatever it is, i know it's not healthy. *sighs* ok, i'll stop now and try to go to sleep.

Left foot problems

2006-02-14T04:23:00.000+08:00

Okay... something's wrong with my left foot. I don't know what it is but I'm sure as hell that I'm feeling uncomfortable right now and it hurts when I walk straight. I mean, when I step it has to be sidewards so it won't hurt. I think it has something with the veins at the foot, some of them are swollen since last week. I really need to get a doctor to check on it, it's been a while already. I pray that it's nothing serious and it can be treated by massage or drinking some pills. I don't want any surgery. Oh please, don't let it be an embolism or something worse. You know, watching Dr. House can make you a paranoid. If this happened before I watched Dr. House, I would dismiss it as fatigue or something. Now, because of that show, all kinds of serious diagnoses enter my mind and it's scaring the hell out of me. I swear I'm going to the doctor to let it get checked. I promise myself that I won't wear that slippers that I bought at 168 because the first time this happened to my leg was when I wore that slippers and it ocurred again today because I wore it this afternoon, but that was just for a short time. It didn't even last for 30 minutes! That slippers is bad news for me, I think I'm going to sell it to Mommy Net or just let her have it. Now, I really pray that it's not serious because I don't want giving my mom another thing to worry about. My dad just left for the states this lunch and mom was really sad. Through out their marriage, this is the first time that they'll be away from each other for quite a time and that's saying something since they've been married for more than 25 years already. (28 years??? I don't remember.) and they were never away from each other for a long time and for far distances. The farthest my dad was away from my mom was when he went to HK when I was in grade 3 and that was only for 3 days and 2 nights. So yeah, I don't want giving my mom something to burden her. And besides, we don't have enough money for big medical procedures. I'm going back to school this summer and my brother is going back this june and the tuition fees for both of us are really big. That's why I'm praying that it's not big. I wish that it would go away overnight, please Kami-sama take it away.

just a wishful thinking

2005-10-04T08:22:00.000+08:00

I just stood there, leaning on the railing of the second-floor hallway, watching the people below with cold, impassive eyes. I could care less what all of them are up to for the past years. My friends were somewhere down in that crowd and they will probably come looking for me. They were the ones who convinced me to come to this bullshit. I didn't want to come back to the place where all my grief started and I didn't want people coming to me, symphatizing with what happened. I don't need that shit. Nothing will make things go back to the way it used to be before. I have learned the painful truth that holding on some belief will not make things go your way, that things will suddenly change. Life is not a fairy tale.

I sighed. All these things made my head ache. There were so many people and the music was loud. I pushed myself off the railing. Maybe I should tell my friends where they would find me. On the other hand, they will text me if they want to find me. I started going down the stairs with my head bowed. I pulled my hat lower so it would cover more of my face. I hope that no one will recognize me. I continued on my way, pushing through the throng of people that were on the grounds. As much as I want to enjoy this day, there was just no way around it with my current mood. Finally I reached the canteen. There were little people in this area. I just hope that no one's in my place. I ascended the stairs to the registrar's office. There's a balcony there that people rarely go to.

That place held so many memories for me. It was memories of him. A small smile formed on my lips when I found out that the place was empty. The breeze was blowing freely and the place was quiet. It was so serene. I stepped on the cemented benches that were there and sat on the railing. It was pretty dangerous, I know. One slip and you fall to your death. But, it's also the way that he sits when we're here. I remember that I would always scold him when he does it because I'm scared that he might fall off. He would only smile at me. I looked across and one memory hit me. That's where we were sitting when he first french-kissed me. I was shocked to say the least. I sighed and looked up at the sky. There's no use remembering those times knowing that they will never come back again. Come to think of it, this is also the place where I attempted to cut my wrist that day before the graduation.

A sad smile crept unto my face then before I knew it, a small tear escaped my eye. I just let it roll down. It a sign of my pain, my grief. I would like to show it to the world once, even though I am alone. People always think of me as a happy person. They don't know how wrong they are. I might have been, but that was long ago. That me is already dead, the one they see right now is just athe illusion of the old me. Another tear followed and soon rivers were crashing down onto the ground. I had admitted a long time ago that I still love that jerk. What a fool I am. I was so engulfed in my grief that I didn't notice that someone came up.

"Tenshi?"

I snapped back to reality because of the voice. I hastily wiped my face and looked at the person who was there. I was shocked to find out who it was.

"Mamoru?"

He went to sit at the bench that I was stepping on.

"Don't sit there. You might fall off." I just stared at him. I couldn't believe what I'm seeing. The man that I loved with all my heart and shattered it into pieces was sitting beside me, telling me to come down because he's afraid that I might fall off. It was so surreal. I blinked my eyes a couple of times, not knowing whether I'm dreaming, hallucinating or if it was for real.

He noticed me just staring at him and he tugged at my arm. Ok, he's real, I felt that tug. I stood up and proceeded to sit at the space beside him. I just looked at the ground, finding my worn out shoes to be very interesting. An akward and tense silence enveloped us. After a few minutes, he decided to talk.

"Why are you here alone? Where's tensai and sars?"

"They're hanging out with their friends. They haven't seen them for awhile. We always see each other. I don't like it there. So many people and the music's way too loud. They'll text me if they're looking for me." I said in a low monotone voice. I could tell that he was surprised.

"Why are you here too? Where's yuki?" I was still looking at the ground.

"This is place is quiet. She's with her friends. Aren't they your friends too?"

I nodded my head. "I already met them awhile ago. I just want to be alone."

"Do you want me to leave then?" he said while he stood up. I grabbed his hand and shook my head no. I want to be close to him, even for a short amount of time. He sat back again beside me. Another blanket of silence enveloped us. He's here but I don't know what to say to him. This is my chance to say to him that I still love him and yet I'm acting like a mute.

I felt something shift under my right hand. That's the time that I realized that I was still holding his hand. I pulled back like I was burned by fire. I felt so embarassed and looked at the ground again. "I'm sorry"

"For what? For holding my hand?" I didn't answer. What could I say? He hit it right on the spot. He sighed. He took my hand and held it in his. I was surprised. I know for sure that there's a blush on my face.

"Tenshi, look at me." his voice was serious but I still wouldn't look at him. I didn't want him to know that he still that effect on me. He repeated what he said, this time firmer. I have no choice but to comply.

I took in the changes that time did to him. His hair was long, it reached upto his shoulders. His facial feature was no longer the cute boy that I fell in love with but one of a handsome young man. (A/N: yeah right!!! as if!!!) His body was more built and he was tall too. But he still wears that black ensemble of him. I wonder if he'll ever change that one.

I looked at him in the eye for a brief moment before shifting my gaze right beside him. I felt uncomfortable looking at him eye to eye. I felt that he can tell whatever it is that I'm feeling if I look at him directly.

"I'm the one who's supposed to be saying sorry." I was confused. I didn't know what he's talking about.

"Why?"

"Because I made you cry. I told you it hurts me when I see you cry." Huh? Where'd he get that? But I could tell that he really meant what he said.

"If you're talking about what happened before, it's all in the past. You don't need to apologize to me for it."

"But that's the reason why you were crying awhile ago." How the hell did he know?

"How can you be so sure?" I countered him. He rubbed my hand with his thumb.

"You wouldn't be in this place if that's the case." I was dumbfounded. Damn, he's sharp.

"I would like to make it up to you, but I don't know how." He looked so sad when he said that. That made me smile a little.

"We can be friends again?" I suggested. He looked at me confused.

"You can make it up to me by letting me know that I'm still your friend." His eyebrows were knitted a little.

"But you are always my friend." he said, frowning a little.

"I wouldn't know because you suddenly stopped communicating with me at all. The last time we talked, you sounded really cold and the last time we met, it's like we don't know each other at all. Those things are enough to make me think that we are not friends anymore although I don't know what I did to make you act like that."

His frown turned into a sad expression again and looked away. "I'm sorry... I didn't know I made you feel that way. I really am an asshole."

I frowned at him when he said that. Although what he said about himself is true, I still don't want him degrading himself like that. I tugged at his hand to make him look at me.

"Hey stop that. Don't talk like that to yourself." I said, reproaching him.

"But what I said was true." Hell yeah, you're right, it's true. I want to tell him that but I'm too nice to even do that.

"Just let me know that we're friends and I'll be ok. You don't need to email me or whatever. Just knowing that we are friends is ok with me."

"Of course you're my friend. You'll always be my friend." I smiled at him when I heard that.

"Alright."

Another silence enveloped us after that. But this time it's a comfortable one. We were just enjoying the quietness of the place and the presence of one another. We stayed like that for awhile, making small talks at times. The moment was broken however when his cellphone beeped. He got his cell and read the text message. I knew our time together was up.

He pulled back his hand and stood up. "I got to go. Yuki's looking for me already."

I nodded and smiled understandingly. "OK" I also stood up then.

"It's nice seeing you again. And remember that we'll always be friends, ok tenshi?" he pinched my cheeks at that. I smiled, sticking my tongue at him.

"Hai, mamoru-kun."

He nodded and turned around, starting to walk towards the stairs. I watched him go but when he was half-way through, an idea suddenly hit me. I ran towards him.

"Wait!"

He turned around to face me. When I reached him, I tiptoed and kissed him on the cheek. I ran after that, not daring to look at his reaction. I shouted bye at him before I descended down the stairs.

-THE END-

Author's Note: This is only a random scene that I have been imagining for quite sometime already. Although I know that this happening is next to impossible, it doesn't hurt to dream once in a while. Just as the title implies, this is one of those wishful thinking that i have. Also, this is actually the first story that I ever finished. I might put it up in Fanfiction.net but I will have to change the names of the characters to fit the certain anime that I want to put it in. So, that's that. Ja na

why?

2005-09-25T14:21:00.000+08:00

why does it seem that bad luck is following me around this days? last week, i crashed the car and now i've learned that lola pinay is in ICU. oh God, please cure her! please make her life a little bit longer. i still want to see, hear and hug her when i go back to the philippines. dammit! i knew something was wrong! i've been feeling that something is off eversince after the accident happened. i had been sensing that something is not right... little did i know that it involves one of the people that i love. why is this happening? it doesn't make any sense! ok... so maybe it does. after all, my lola is already old but i don't know why it has to happen while i'm so far away from home! now i want to go back home more than ever. i don't care if i don't have enough money to buy my own car. i can get another chance at that, but if something worse happens to my lola, i will go back no matter what! right now, the only thing that we can all do is pray for the better. Onegai Kami-sama, hear my prayer. Please heal my lola.

shattered pride; new determination

2005-09-24T13:20:00.000+08:00

what a day this had been. it all started normal. i woke up, ate breakfast and helped around the house. never did i know that i would be involved in a car crash. what's worse is that i'm the one at fault. Dammit! Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! i'm so stupid! i'm such a klutz and spacehead. Fuck! Good thing that none of us were injured. but until now, my pride won't let it go.i cried on the way home, not because i got scolded. i think that'll be better than my pride and conscience digging at me!!! i can't accept the fact that i didn't do anything except step on the brake. my hand just froze, i can't move, i can't think of anything to do at all! my head just went blank and i call myself a racer!!! dammit!!! i'm such a fucking idiot who doesn't even know how to steer away from danger! i'm a total idiot, imbecile, baka and ahou! not only that, but i had also put my auntie in a huge mess. this is one thing that i can't live down for the rest of my life. i cried on the way home because my pride as a driver is shattered into million pieces. i imagined this kind of scenarios a countless of times with me steering away from danger but now that the situation presented itself, i couldn't do a fucking thing about it!!! kuso!!! i remember my brother once said that those who are overly safe drivers are the ones most likely to get killed in a car accident. i also know that my brother was involved in a number of car accidents and there was even a time where he ended up in the police precinct and stayed the afternoon there. i know that this accident is a lesson to me. i also know that this will help to make me a better driver, but it's still hard to accept the fact. me, a proud car enthusiast, racing and drifting admirer, a huge initial d fan and an aspiring race car driver, had this accident and the worst of it is, it is all my fault. it goes to show what happens when you're so full of yourself. you end up swallowing your whole pride. i don't know why i just have to learn those important lessons in a hard way. it might be because of my hard-headedness. probably so. i was already anxious about driving the car before i left the house this morning because the car was having problems the past few days. i should've followed my intuition. countless of times, i end up in trouble because of ignoring it. there were also signs of danger before it happened. it's a fact: i'm a damn fucking brainless idiot. haay... i better stop this self-loathing. it will only get me nowhere. i won't let my erronous conscience corrupt my mind. she had been telling me a couple of times that i don't deserve to be a driver, that i don't deserve to admire cars. hell, she even told me that i have no right to dream about being a race car driver! fuck that! i may be stupid, imbecile or whatever you want to call but i won't let anyone stop me from achieving that dream! as it is, that's my last dream left. my dreams of being a seiyuu, a martial artist, a computer programmer, a shinobi (like that's possible!) or being a talented anime artist are all lost to the wind now. all that is left is to become a hashiriya and i will achieve that! i'll show all of them! i will become a world-reknowned girl race car drifter! and i won't lose to my brother! i'll let them know that i'm not a girl who only knows how to make a car move forward and backward! from this day on forward, i will strive hard to get better and achieve this dream. i promise! i will not take back my words, that is my racer's way!!!!

tired n confused

2005-07-30T06:52:00.000+08:00

working in a grocery store is hard job, i know that but i couldn't help but wish that it becomes easier. i guess i'll get used to it in time. that is if i decide to stay. here, comes in my dilemma: should i quit n abandon my dream of having a car back in manila or should i stay and endure all the pain that i am currently experiencing? i am once again faced with two choices that would have a huge effect in my life. i don't want to stay because i don't really feel comfortable here and the fact that my parents would be leaving me with the care of my grandma n auntie doesn't sit well with me. i could deal with my auntie, it's my grandma that is the problem. i'm already becoming really pissed as it is (forgive me, i know it's a sin... but i really feel that way.) but i don't want to go either because if i go, i will lose the chance of earning enough money to buy me n my bro a car and i really need one when i get back because of all those duties. now, i am confused as to which is to choose. my mom is asking me if i already want to quit my job and go home even though i would be going alone. to tell the truth, yes i do want to quit my job and yes, i do want to go home but like i said, if i do that then i lose the chance of getting a car. my reason for staying may be shallow, but for me n my bro, it isn't. also, it's one way of showing to my parents that we could do as what we say. they just pass what we are saying like its a joke. they don't believe that we could buy a car. it's a way of proving ourselves to them. but as it is, i can't help but complain with the pain that i am feeling. my feet hurts eveytime i work, to the extent that i can barely walk. my back too also hurts and my arms feel like lead. that's what i feel everytime i go back home from work. it doesn't help that i feel really uneasy with my co-workers since i am the only filipino in that store. i feel so... out of place. don't get me wrong, i do have friends there, they are the only friends that i have that are not relatives of mine, but it still doesn't ease the uneasiness that i feel. haay... wish i know which one is to choose. Lord, help me make the right choice, please.

Accepting Fate

2005-07-04T07:18:00.000+08:00

It has been more than two months since I arrived here. I was really bitter and homesick for the first few weeks, my previous posts standing as evidence to that. I have also been to countless parties and family gatherings that I am slowly starting to dislike. Why? Let's just say that I don't like to mingle with other people very much. A contradict to what I want which is to make new friends. I know that it is pretty stupid but I guess I'm afraid to approach people that I don't know. I'm afraid that they will make fun of me in some other way. Ha, pretty pathetic but that's how it is for me. As for my parents, they will be going back in August which made me sad and a little jealous. I want to go with them but I can't because of my re-entry permit which is only good for two years and I still have two more years to go in my studies that's why I have to stay until next year for the opening of the new school year. It pretty sucks but I have no choice like when I was about to go here. So instead of sulking about it in a little corner, I decided to work for the meantime so that I can save money and buy my own car when I go back in the Philippines. It'll be hard for me because this will be my first time that I will actually work. But as the saying goes, "there's a first for everything." I just hope that I find a job which I will love and enjoy and has a high pay. Of course I need to spend of that money for me here too, not only for the car! Wakekeke.... Now, I can say that I have accepted my fate pretty much. I can't do nothing with my predicament of being here so I'll just have to use some opportunities that I have in here. Although I can't wait for February to arrive. That's the time when I will go home. Hehehe....

Bad Start

2005-06-29T14:28:00.000+08:00

Grr... that's the first word that will use for this entry. Wait, that isn't even a word. Well, whatever it is that's one word that would sum up how I felt this morning when I woke up to the loud rapping on my door and to the loud voice of my dad scolding me for sleeping late again and staying in the net for way too long. Although he has a point with the internet but I know for a fact that I already told them that I have insomnia. But no, they wouldn't believe me. They think that I'm making it up as an excuse. Add the fact that when I got to their room, my mom told me off by starting with a threat to padlock my laptop and bring it with her when they go back home. I explained to them that I was chatting with Mides last night and what does she say? Five minutes is enough for us to talk with each other. What the fucking hell?! 5 MINUTES? 5 FUCKING MINUTES?! Hello! We're talking about Maribel here! My best friend whom I haven't got to talk to for a long time! And she tells me 5 minutes is enough! It really made me mad when she said that. I can understand it if we were in Manila, but no! We're miles, oceans, a continent away from Manila! I'm not in the Philippines, I'm in America!!! She doesn't even realize that that it was one of those rare times that both of us will be online at the same time! And when she's the one who's using the phone, she uses it also for a very long time. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!! But as usual, I can't speak my thoughts about it so I kept it inside. Doing so would only make things worse so I pretended like nothing much happened but deep inside I really want to talk back. Damn the things that our culture prohibits. This is one of those rare times that I would like to use the American Constitution. I can't even say my damn opinion on the matter! Doing so would mean being disrespectful to your parents. Yeah right, as if they would listen. They don't even know the time when I had to go through emotional hell when one of my best friends stabbed me in the back and stole one thing that is really precious to me. They don't even know of the time when I was under great depression because of one of my closest friend. Sometimes, I think my friends know me better than they do. Dammit! Dammit it all to hell! I don't think that they would ever really understand the real me. Fuck it! I don't like this day!

Under Crisis

2005-06-07T03:12:00.000+08:00

Haay... how many weeks have I been in this place? Seven weeks or six weeks? I really don't know, the only thing that I know right now is that I want ti go back home. To a place where everything is familiar to me, where everything is not foreign. Things here are hard, even communicating with my cousins is hard. I have been feeling this way since I had arrived and I feel that my longing for home grows stronger day after day after day. I really hate the predicament that I am in right now. There are so many things that I want to do that I can't for so many different reasons. I have a feeling that I'm slowly having an inferiority complex because of lack of interaction with other people outside of my family. I want to meet new people, make new friends. My life is slowly deteriorating right in front of my eyes. I'm missing so many things that I don't think I can catch up anymore. The only thing that I can do is wish. I even feel that the people that I left behind... some of them have already forgotten me, especially the one person that I wish doesn't forget. My life has turned upside down yet again. I wonder if these life-changing changes ever ends... not that I don't like it, getting used to the change is the hard part. So many changes had happened to me that I already lost count of it. Haay.... I'm under the crisis of adapting to life in here and I don't know if I'm doing good. The only thing that will make me rally happy right now is to go back home.

Far Away

2005-05-14T03:56:00.000+08:00

Haay... I'm here in a land that I don't know anyone except for my relatives. It really sucks to be stuck in a place that you don't like. Not that I don't like being with my relatives here, it's just that I don't like the idea of being in America. But what can I do? I have to leave everything that I'm familiar with to go to a place where everything is foreign to me. I'm not used to people treating me as a foreigner, it's the other way around for me. But now those foreigners to me are the natives of this land. I really do wish to go back to the Philippines. Life here is really hard. There are no maids to do the chores for you. I do almost all of the chores here. I'm so not used to it. And I can't go anywhere without someone having to drive me around and I can't go to the places that I like any time unlike back home. Plus the fact that I don't have the money to spend on trivial things. Although I do have a PS2 but I only have one game because I couldn't buy another one. Another thing is the PC here is really outdated and I have yet to figure out a way to connect it to the net that's why I'm stuck writing this in another one's computer. And I miss all of my friends, especially nii-chan. I wonder if he misses me too... I haven't heard from them since last week when I suddenly called them. I wonder if nii-chan thinks of me too. There are times when I would suddenly feel really sad because I miss him very much and I want to hear or see him. When I hear the song Crazy for You, it always remind me of him and there are times that I become teary-eyed just hearing the song.i wonder how their summer class went. I hope that all of them are qualified to enter IN so I would still see them next year. Idon't know if I'm going to be able to come back and enroll this June. I'm being indecisive again. I want to go back to the Philippines but I also want to stay and work so I can save enough money to buy a car. But I want to see all of my friends and my brother and my cousins there. I feel really bore here because I have nothing to do but stay in the house that's the reason why I always think of them. Haay... I don't know what to choose but whichever prevails, I hope that I still see nii-chan when I come back. I wish with all my heart that he is the guy that I've been searching for. And I pray that he, my bro and my best friends are always safe.

bored to death

2005-04-13T13:45:00.000+08:00

I'm here right now in Bicol, visiting my relatives before I leave for the States. haay... it's so boring in here. There really is nothing to do. There is no computer nor cable tv to whisk the time away. I'm really itching to go back to Manila already. We're supposed to go back today but due to some things that my parents have to do, it has been moved to thursday because they still have tp go to vinzons. Darn it! The only thing that we do in here is to eat and then to sleep and we do nothing to burn all the fats that we've taken in. That's why I feel like I've gained a lot of weight which is really annoying because I really want to slim down. (Reason: It's damn hard to look for clothes!!!) I don't know how my parents can last in here. But to think that they have lot of things to do in here it's no wonder they can last long but if I last one more day in here, I'll go crazy!!! Well anyway, on to other things. I don't know if what I did last night is becasue of sheer boredom or of the utmost stupidity. I called Romar on his cellphone. Why? I don't know, I just felt like doing it. Maybe it's because I remembered the times when I would call him on his cell when I'm away from home. I was really nervous and I have no idea what i would say once he answers. His voice is still the same: cool and silky. (The hell?! Where did that come from???) Anyway, he asked me why I called and the only thing that I could come up was a lame, "I just wanted to say goodbye." All he said was "oh" then after that we hanged up. I was surprised to find my hand shaking and tears formed on my eyes. When I went to bed, that's the time when tears finally fell down. But actually, I don't know why I cried. I was suddenly confused to who is it that I really love: the one that can easily make me smile or the one that can easily make me frown. My head was jumbled up and I was torn between the two. But at the end, I realized that it's not Romar that I love. I only realized this now, when I said goodbye to him, it has an underlying meaning. One that means I'm finally over him and I've moved on with my life. I have finally let him go.

2005-04-04T07:12:00.000+08:00

wah~! it's sweltering hot in here that you feel like you're going to melt! wooo... i want to go submerge myself in water. unfortunately, we don't have a bathtub and i can't go to a pool since i don't have someone to accompany me. sare and tensai are taking care of their school grades, the panda-jins, uly and the others will start their class on monday plus, we're going to bicol on tuesday. haay... i have a feeling of great apprehension on our departure. i'm afraid of what's going to happen once i arrive in US. there are many precious things to me that i will leave behind. if there is only a way where i can somehow stay here... but i guess that would be useless since i didin't enroll for the summer class so if i stay here, i have nothing else to do and that would be a real bummer.

haay... i really wanted to go to school. now i know how it feels not to attend school. i feel envious of my classmates last wednesday when they enrolled and got there sections. they were happy and frustrated at the same time. all i could do was ask what their section is and smile a sad smile as i watch them talk about their classes. i feel left out. i feel that there's an invisible wall standing in between them and me. i feel like i don't belong in their world anymore. i suddenly feel alone... i know that they are still my friends no matter what but even though i know this fact, the feeling of being alone is still there. and one of the things that i hate is being alone.

i got my first taste of this last thursday while i was filing for my LOA. i was at school by myself, with the company of strangers all day. i know i already did this before but i guess i was so used to going to schol, meeting and seeing all my friends there. i told myself that i better get used to it because that is how my life is going to be like in US. haay...

hit the ground

2005-03-14T13:11:00.000+08:00

haay... right now, i feel like i finally have hit the ground and it hurts so much that my body is actually feeling numb. i don't know how to put into words the feeling that i currently have. there are no words for it. all i know is that my body wants to do something but my mind is preventing it to do so. i guess that desire is to think about ezri but my mind is blocking it. i feel like my mind is separated from my body and that it has its own thinking. i feel like she's set on forgetting about ezri. haay... admittedly, i kept on asking myself why the hell did i have to fall for him. i was berating myself last time. i thought that i don't want it any longer. i kept on crying, i kept on being hurt and i am tired. really tired of going through all the pain and the suffering. i am tired of falling in love and ending up being hurt again. i don't know how long my bruised heart and soul can take anymore of this. i actually wished that i just didn't meet him, that i didn't know him, that i didn't get close to him, that i didn't fall for him, just to spare me from all this that i'm going through. i know it isn't like me to give up this easily, but this time, i'm tired of hoping only to find out that my efforts are useless. i don't know why i always end up with a one-sided love. i wish that he realizes the pain that he is putting me through. he's not dense, he's one of the smartest guy in the class. the only thing that i wish now before we actually part ways is that we somehow patch up things and still be friends. i don't want to lose our friendship. please at least give me just that...

windang week

2005-02-11T15:10:00.000+08:00

wah!!! this week is really hectic! i think it's more hectic than last week! so this week really has the right to be called hell week! damn! for the first time of my life, i experience not to sleep the whole night!!! we pulled an all-nighter here in our house last tuesday. we were rushing to finish the required visual aids and outputs of the community survey that we took at barangay Lalaan II. some of my classmates went here in the house... they were: Kat, Carrie, Ness, Mona, Jade, Lieschel, Jen, Uly, Joross, Jeal and Nelo... I dom't know how we fiited inside the house but nevertheless, i don't want to experience something like that again! i was literally like a zombie yesterday during the whole class!!! i was dozing off every so and then. i was even caught by the proffesors sleeping at the back of the class but that was inevitable since i was really, really tired! damn they! stupid professors, they're heartless! grr... anyway, wen i arrived here at home, i immediately changed clothes and went to sleep. i slept for 12 hours straight! (5pm-5am) i even thought that my cellphone's time was not working properly but when i heard the clock inside my parents bedroom strike five, that's the only time that i believed that it really was 5 am! i thought it was only sometime around 12midnight! i really can't believe that i did that. hehehe... goes only to show how tired i really was. bad thing about it is i didn't hear aniki, jex and some of my classmates sing. they went to a karaoke yesterday to celebrate jex and nobel's b-day. they were also inviting me but i don't want to, i'll prefer sleep than anything else in the world yesterday! aww... i didn't hear ezri sing! too bad!!! i guess not much coz' i always hear him sing. (he's sitting right beside me in almost all of our classes and he does sing...) the only thing is we have different genres of music that we like. he likes slow and soft music while i like fast and loud music. (another difference about us, are we yin and yang???) speaking about ezri... i saw him asleep... cute! but i couldn't appreciate it at that time since i was really out of it but now that i think of it, it really was cute especially when he murmur's (i think that's what its called?) then there was a time during our all-nighter that we were the only ones inside the bedroom (don't get the wrong idea!!! we didn't do anything bad!!!) he was doing the computations while i was on the floor writing(and whining wakekeke...) i was tempted to err... kiss him but refrained that will be too stupid of me. i guess i was used to what i do when romar's around but i have to constantly remind myself that ezri is waaayy different from him. haay... even tensai have to point that out. we met this afternoon at our usual hang out and they said that they saw him at icie's bday. it's no big deal to me. i said that i missed icie and said that i would like to go to an outing with her but without romar. sare said that it's inevitable that he come so i joked about taking ezri with me then tensai said that romar is waaayyy different from ezri. dont they think i already know that?! kuso! i don't need a constant reminder about that certain fact! grr.... okay, i'll go now, i still have to sleep early coz i'll be studying early tomorrow. ciao!

WTF does that suppose to mean?

2005-02-06T14:26:00.000+08:00

today, we edited the editorial articles needed for our PHC project and boy did we have fun!!! fun in a kinda bad way. why? because we kept on laughing at the wrong grammar that my classmates commited. i know that it's bad and i'm not saying that i am an expert at the grammar itself but the thing is, the mistakes were very obvious that you'd really laugh. and some of them, though the grammar is correct, doesn't make any sense!!! there was this particular sentence in one of the articles that baffled the three of us (note: three heads were already working and still we can't figure out what he wanted to say) and we have to call him so just to ask what he really mean by that sentence. we were like, "what the fuck does that supposed to mean?" or "i really can't get what he's trying to say." thank goodness that his gf was with us and we were able to ask him.
now that i got the taste of how being an editor is i can't help but think that if the same thing is happening to our lives. i mean, what if there's this entity besides God that has the power to control what our future will be. i can imagine him laughing at every single mistake that we did in life. whoa... that's scary. i don't like the idea that someone besides myself and God has the power to control me. this reminds me of the movie final destination 2. although the movie is very unrealistic, it still brings shivers throughout my body. imagine death chasing after you... *shudders* i know that all of us will eventually die but that movie clearly states that you're not the one controlling your life. i'm a skeptic of such a thing but there was once a time in my life that i readily accepted it. maybe there really is something called fate or destiny. i don't know, but i want to make myself believe that i'm the one who is making my own future and not some kind of entity from nowhere. okay enough about that. all this thinking is making my head hurt again. haay... when did i fucking become like this anyway? i know for sure that i wasn't like this before. is it a sign of aging? nah.... i don't think so! wakekeke....

i'm sooo tired

2005-02-05T14:22:00.000+08:00

at last the day has ended already!!! today is one of the most tiring day that i ever had in my life. i somehow managed to pull through all my reports for this day although that what i did back there was not my best at least it was satisfactorily enough. but i still can't rest well because next week is midterm exams a.k.a. hell week. i just pray to God to let me pass PHC coz' i failed PHC in the prelims. but i guess that is understandable coz' i had 4 consecutive absences in the prelims due to the visa interviews.
another reason why i feel so tired because i accompanied tensai to look for her outfit in megamall. damn! i think we entered almost all the clothe's shop in there. it's hard to look for a nice outfit especially when you're time pressured and not to mention that my feet was already hurting. the motiff was black and white and it took us a long time before i finally convinced tensai to just buy what it is that she likes as long as it looks good on her. i didn't expect that we'll be able to buy the said outfit in american boulevard. AMP! i was given a ride home from her and her mother not to mention free food too!!! it was my first time to eat in El Pollo Loco and i can say that the chicken is good and that it has a big cut. the only thing i don't like about it is the salsa whatsoever, i don't like the taste of raw tomatoes!
on the way home, tensai and i was talking about our present luv lyf and i must say that she's really happy about this Lowell guy though she said that sometims she felt bored when she's with him. i told her that that it's normal to feel that way. i also told her about Ezri. okay... i must admit that i'm happy because of him but it's hard to xplain why. i told tensai how far apart our worlds are, especially when it comes to our set of friends. he and his group of friends belong to the smart ones in our class while me and my friends belong to the "pasaway" ones. it's as if he's at point a and i'm at point z, that's how far apart our friends are but it doesn't mean that i don't get along with his friends, i do get along and so does he with my friends. i guess opposites DO attract. oh yeah, before i forget, something funny happened yesterday. we were buying sodas at the soda store when i bumped into my classmate during the 1st sem, 1st year and she asked whether he is my sibling. i was actually stupefied at that statement! WE? SIBLINGS? aww, c'mon!!! but people say that we do somehow look alike and the same goes for my diatant cousin who is also our classmate. wakekeke...
ok, i'll go for now. i'm feeling really sleep that i'm dozing off in front of the pc! wahehehe.....

so deshou?!

2005-01-30T13:05:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I went out with Sare and Mides. It's customary for us three to meet at least once a week. Of course we had the usual routine: go to gateway mall and stay at starbucks for some chit-chat. We actually saw Mica and Jonyl, two of our close friends way back in high school. Anyway, Sare saw some of her collge friends in starbucks and they talked leaving me and Mides. We had a serious talk about our love lives. I'm happy for her since it seems that she really likes this Lowell guy and may actually love him but we're still not sure on that. But based on what she told me, it sure seems so and the guy seems to also like her back. I just wish that their relationship turns out alright and if ever they do become a couple I hope that they won't end up like what I did. I told her about Ezri(not real name due to personal reasons) and she told me that I love the guy. I won't deny that what she had said is true and I want our relationship to be more than just friends but, I also don't want it to happen since I'm leaving the country and I'm not even sure when I can go back. I don't want to be committed because it'll only make things complicated for me... but I guess what Sare said is true. "We have our personal legends, we are our own oasis." I believe in "omen"s and I just saw one last night. While waiting for Mides' ride I showed her the group picture that was taken on one of my friends birthday. We were sitting beside each other and she said that we look like each other. (^_^); When I was putting the picture inside my picture box I found a picture of us two with him hugging me. I don't know why but I felt like it was right for him to be there hugging me. Aggh... I don't know what he did for me to feel like this... When Mides asked me why I like him, I can't find any answer. He's nowhere near Romar. He's not as good-looking as him, not as smart as him and not as sweet as him so I really don't know why I fell for him. He is the very anti-thesis of me. I'm lazy he's not. I'm weird he's normal. He's studious I'm not and even the things that we like are different!!! But I still feel that it's right for us to be together. *sigh* I'll just see what happens in the future...

realization

2005-01-24T12:47:00.000+08:00

wah! i just realized this last night after such a long time. i don't know why it took me so long. it's right there in front of my eyes waiting to be noticed but all i did for the last months was to ignore it. i'm thankful that i finally opened my eyes. okay, so here's what i realized... (dun, dun, dun...!!!) etou sa, uri wa daisuki desu!!! naze wa wakaranai demo sa kore wa watashi no hontou ni omoi. hehehe... did you understand that? if you're japanese then you WILL understand but if you're not then sorry guys i'm not about ready to announce to the whole wide world what i just said. i realized that i don't need to look anywhere else. demo kare wa watashi no kimochi ga wakannai. (i'm getting better with my japanese!!!) okay, i'll go for now. i can't think straight with all the noise at the background.

mga hinaing na sinsaloob

2004-12-18T12:18:00.000+08:00

i'm on an errand to go to the bank but i'm lazy so i'll do it later, i will take a bath first. haay.. i really want to go to robert's gig tonight, i hope my mom changes her mind. it's not as if im going to drink alcohol there because i want to drink coffee after the gig, it's in katipunan anyway and there is a nearby starbucks there plus sare n mides are with me and so are all my classmates, i don't know what my mom is making a fuss about! it really get's on my nerve when my mom treats me like im a fragile child that doesn't know a thingin the world. i'm 18 for goodness sake! i'm of legal age! grr... that's what you get for watching too many news on the tv, it's not that it's a bad thing but these days the only thing that you'll watch from the news are the violences that are happening outside. puro na lang tungkol sa pinatay, sa na-rape, nasaksak, na-holdap o na-kidnap. it's all violence, even when they report about politics it's all the same. grr...i feel like im a bird trapped in a cage! a bird can only fly when he was let out and will be put back inside the cage once the owner decides that it's time to put him back in. i really envy my friends when their parents allow them to go out, that's the main reason why i don't let them know when i'm going out with my friends after school. sometimes, i wish that i finish my studies soon so i can be independent. i know that it'll be hard because i experienced 4 days of being independent but at least i control my own moves, i decide my own decisions. i feel like they have all the control over my life, even the school that i wanted to go in. i wanted to enter in mapua but they didn't let me because they don't want to. i want to take up theater arts in ateneo but again they didn't let me... it's so frustrating. there are times that i just want to scream out loud my frustrations or run away from home but i know i can'tdo that because i have no where to go to and im still dependent on them. i want to get a part time job the last time but they don't want to, i don't know why. they don't even agree on the extra-curricular activities that i want to partake to. grr... i really want to cry but then again crying won't help with my current situation. now, all i can do is to finish my studies fast so i can go independent...
mood: frustrated
music: Jazz me Blues (Weiss Kreuz)

first day of school

2004-11-27T15:33:00.000+08:00

haa... whaddya know... i attended my 1st day of school last thursday and boy were my classmates surprised when they saw me! = ) i was actually absent for the first day of classes last tuesday so they cheered the moment i stepped inside the classroom. but the reason why they were surprised because of my haircut. i had my hair cut short the day before of classes because of the hassle i always go through in putting up my hair during rle class. i am happy to see them again but i still feel that the vacation is too short! couldn't they make it a 3 week vacation just like last year?!

anyway, i somehow ended seating with my team mates from project panda and of course star and jover. but we have an alphabetical arrangement in stat that's why i ended up seating near the front (i dont know what that crazy teacher is doing putting the students in a reverse arrangement) and beside uki. for some unknown reason i feel a little uncomfortable near him but that doesn't stop me from being close to him.

hmm... i really don't like our stat teacher. i just have a hunch that he's gay and i don't like gays!!! and i don't like his attitude! damn, he's so full of himself! hmph! grr... i wish i could warp him oof to somewhere far from us or kick him out of earth's orbit! i have the feeling that our class will have a hard time getting along with him. i just wish that we withstand him like the way we withstand our physics professor last semester.

uggh... I'm fucking sick!

2004-11-25T15:59:00.000+08:00

This is bad... really bad. I've a cough for almost a week now and it still won't go away! grr... this is frustrating! *sigh* Anyway, its been awhile since I last posted here and I still haven't finished making the layout of this blog site. The reason mainly is... I'm too lazy to do it and the other is I don't know what I should put in there. I'm so lame... hehehe... looks like my job in life is to be a professional bum. Hehehe... just kidding! Of course that's not the job that I have in mind demo saa... the course that I'm taking now... I'm slowly losing interest in it. Well, I guess I have a reason for that. I really don't want to take nursing in the first place! My line is in computers or the arts. Actually, I'm more fond of the arts than the sciences. I'm just not fit to become a nurse... but what the hell, I'm here already and I have invested most of my time in it, it'll be a mojor loss if I back out now.

Okay enough of that! On other matters, we just finished our interview in the U.S. embassy and it looks like we're really leaving the country next year. Grr... I don't know what to make of of my feelings. A part of me is excited at the fact that I'm going, the other is sad that I'm leaving and the other is pissed of that this is happening. What others say about me is true I guess. I am someone who is different, kinda hard to understand. I myself am confused at my ownself. Isn't that weird? I just wish that my parents will accept that fact. I'm not like the average kid that they see on t.v. I don't like what others would usually like. I am different, strange at some point. Others may even think that I'm eccentric, like Eriol-type eccentric... at least I understand that much of myself.

I'll stop now before my head hurts from too much thinking

mood: i actually don't know, hehehe...
music: White Flames (Weiss)

tomodachi!!!

2004-11-19T14:57:00.000+08:00

Wai! It's been a long while since I last updated here! Well… not really since I just a put up quiz result recently. ^_^ Anyway, I met up today with two of my best friends, they're Mides and Sars. We've been together since we are in sophomore high and we're inseparable since then. There are two others, Kharla and Katherine but they weren't with them. Katherine studies at another school so that's understandable while Kharla is at the same school with Mides and Sars but with a different course. She's taking up HRM while the two are taking up Nursing just like me. I'm not studying at the same school they are attending because I don't like it there. Not that I don't want to be with them, it's because my brother already told me how the school runs since he's going to the same school. That's why I ended up studying in a University away from the three of them. Hmm… actually, we used to be six in the group but after some troubles in our senior high, I ended up disliking her and she was somewhat uhh… how should I say it? The best way to describe what happened to her after that is we don't bring her along to our outings anymore. It's a little harsh but considering that she stole my kareshi from me… I think that's understandable. But the past is the past and it's best to forget about them even though that I sometimes miss her. She was like my fraternal twin sister but apparently we're not supposed to have a good friendship until the end.

Anyway, Mides and Sars went to my school earlier and we went to mega mall even if we don't have money. We only have 200 pesos ^_^;; So, I ended up playing Initial D and after that we looked around a little, ate pancit malabon then went to my house. Well, only Sars did because Des still has classes. We agreed to meet every Thursday since we have free time at that day. We're planning to watch a movie next week… wee! I can't wait! I really love going out with them! We were so noisy during the FX ride all the way from Recto to Mega mall! We're the only ones talking! Hehehe… I just love them! I wish I can hang out with my four other best friends… I have a lot, ne? But I'm really thankful for that because they're my real friends.